Get ready for a can of controversy, because we are going to step into the topic of dating “Fem” guys. We still see on profiles the desire for “masc only” or “no fems”. Just like you we have your views on the dangers of classification and labels, and what our fellow gays are saying about it. Since these labels are not wholly vanquished from our community yet, let’s have a little discussion about them…
ME: So I have a friend who makes comments about how he can’t date “Fem” guys because they are too feminine. He argues that if he wanted to date a feminine guy, he would just date girls.
MO: Yeah that’s what they all say. I understand that you want a “man” man but if that were the case then there are some lesbians you can date who are probably more masculine than your friend.
ME: A good point, but the concern here is that we are discriminating against the “fem” gays.
MO: That’s exactly what your friend is doing, because he is automatically assuming that anyone who does not fit his definition of a “man” is not worth his attention. Instead he could be evaluating each person based on their individuality rather than preconceived notions derived from mannerism. Underneath all the flamboyance or “femininity” there could be someone he really clicks with.
ME: We all have a preference and we tend to categorize what we want. There are guys who like feminine guys because of the characteristics that they have and then there are those guys who like masculine men because of they like what masculinity represents.
MO: Its not that I don’t agree with the idea of preferences. However, relationships aren’t built on exterior displays. They live and fall by the connections of two individuals. Making decisions based on the masc/fem dichotomy is kind of being one dimensional.
I used to be like your friend. I always said I wanted to date a guy who was masculine or “straight acting”. I didn’t want to go on a date with a guy that was feminine. One day, I went out with a guy who looked masculine. We got together and he opened his mouth and that just shattered my perception of him. He’s what some would call “feminine.” He talked like a valley girl and his favorite phrase was “I am a fucken lady!” My first reaction was to run away. I let my guard down because of my physical attraction to him though. He was gorgeous!!!! Girl, he was hella PHINE! This allowed me to get to know him as an individual and learn to appreciate him as a whole.
ME: Yeah, it helps when the guy is PHINE. However, sometimes people can’t get past what they initially see. Gay men tend to judge a little bit more based on what they see physically..
MO: Can’t or won’t? I won’t say that you are completely wrong about that but i had my teaching moment which showed me that it is possible to have an initial reaction, let go of it, and then dig a little deeper.
ME: Dig into his pants??
MO: I think the main issue is that the self-proclaimed “masc only” dude will stick to only
what he likes and wont give the “other” a chance, so he misses out on those teaching moments, even if it is just to break down assumptions or prejudices and build understanding.
ME: I don’t think it’s prejudice. I believe it has more to do with being physically attracted to someone. These guys could have friends that are feminine, but they don’t date.
MO: We are not talking about appearance.
ME: Yeah we are because there are guys that dress really feminine. They don’t dress like Bros. But in the end our community needs to be more about inclusion and unity. Just stop being shady bitches. In the words of Mother RuPaul: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?
This is one of those subjects that relates to our whole community, not just a few here and there. So we want to hear from you: Is ME’s friend being too judgmental? Let us know in the comments.